I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
