don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
