Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
