You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
