Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
