Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Blood and glitter go together right?
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize
