You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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