"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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