Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
