my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Randomize
