Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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