we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
