This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Rumble strips road head = magical
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
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