I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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