Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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