There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
