If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
