if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
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