Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
