Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
