This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Randomize
