I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
