hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
