Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
