I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
