Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
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