I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
That was an excessively violent trivia night
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
