I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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