Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
