i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Randomize
