Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
