i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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