i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Duck Duck Cougar?
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
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