Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
