I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Randomize
