im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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