Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
