Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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