Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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