I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
