I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Randomize
