So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
