Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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