i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize