ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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