Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Randomize
