What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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