Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I have already put on my inside pants.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
And then he peed in my hair
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