you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize