Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
