I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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