She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I think I am morally bankrupt
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
