Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
It's official drugs can't kill me
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
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