guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
