i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
