We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
we're so committed to being not committed
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