You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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