Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
