i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
