I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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