why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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